Shazaam's - Morley (November '18. Round 2)

As our readers across the pond, along with the rest of the United States filled up on their thanksgiving Turkey – we were certainly thankful for another dose of curry, so soon after the season opener. I’m sure you’re thankful for two blogs in the space of a few weeks! We truly are back. Host Matt Burton decided to keep things on his doorstep, with Morley our destination and the Picture House (cryptically known as ‘Wethers’ or ‘Spoons’ to the locals) as our meeting point.

M.I.A. for the 2^nd week in row, Steve wisely decided to keep himself in his wife’s good graces by staying in to consume the fine roast dinner she’d spent time to prepare. I’m sure he didn’t miss the good times, ale and camaraderie. Dockers was also absent as he was extending his stay in the U.S. of A. #poetry, which led to the club's discovery of his family villa in Florida – prompting members to call him various versions of excrement due to the lack of invite to the Sunshine State. Scott was another casualty but with a mere ‘work engagement’ given for a reason. However, a depleted club was boosted by the late draft of ‘Big Jason’ in the 2^nd FONO appearance of his curry career – important not to confuse with ‘Regular Size Jason’ of course. Regular Jason has normal sized hands and can wear normal sized gloves. Big Jason has them custom made from sleeping bags.

A sight to behold

As members perused the vast array of ales on offer at JD’s Morley branch, TTT had his head in his phone - to a ‘customer’ he claimed but his loved up eyes and wagging tail told us otherwise. Regular Size Jay was searching for a ‘zero percenter’ to drink, being behind the wheel. This raised a debate whether non-alcoholic beer acted like a placebo, making it redundant for driver safety. We recalled our time in Berlin when Matty was breathalysed the morning after a ‘sesh’ before embarking on our beer bike and was found to be 28 times over the limit. Or maybe it was 280 times. Strong German beer after all. With driving on our minds, a chuckle was raised when ‘Little J’ likened Matty’s erratic driving on a previous club to doing a lap with Alain Prost. Vinny also announced he was with vehicle as he admitted to being a bit whammed at the last club and actually ran home from the curry joint. It brought back memories of my youth, running home from the local after-hours hotspot at 3am with red eyes and empty pockets – only stopping for passing taxis and traffic so it didn’t look like I’d just committed a burglary. Anyone else? Just me? Ok. Let’s move on – just like we did – to the Morley Mercantile or ‘Merc’ for short. We are a creative bunch.

Matty found out there was no Guinness in 'nam

A gentleman’s establishment of old – and I don’t mean vintage strippers – it is a members only club similar to a working men’s, with traditions a plenty – like no caps, shorts or women. Seems reasonable. Widely predicted as a venue for tonight as Matty is of course on the board. He may even be chairman. Either way, we were happy to drink amongst men, especially with the rare beast of Tetley’s Cask available to sup. And with a fresh looking rebrand, we can only hope this fine Yorkshire drink gets a tap in more places.

Matty's forthcoming trip to Vietnam created a few belly laughs as we joked about him on the flight wearing camo and went through several profanities to be chalked on the side of his helmet. A question was then raised about how old the Curry Club is. You’d think founding members Liam and Matt would have valuable insight but alas, the Tetley’s had taken hold and their assessment was ‘longer than 10 years. Maybe 15 years?' The blog itself has been alive for 5 years so nearer the 15 methinks. Anyway, it was an excuse to recall past members who have fallen along the way. Not died. Just left the club. Which means they are essentially dead to us. Of course club legend ‘Crazy Martin’ came to mind and we pondered what would happen if current resident club crazy ‘Treble T’ came into contact with Crazy Martin. Many thought an apocalypse like when crossing the streams in Ghostbusters but I think more like Timecop, when the evil senator touches himself (ooh err) and combusts into a hot, red, blob type mess. Speaking of which, it was time to dine.

Crazy Martin & TTT share a bathroom break

Shazaam’s, Morley

Not to be confused with the popular song identifying app, Shazaam’s open glass front shows it has nothing to hide – but the front door glass being smashed didn’t inspire confidence. Still, this isn’t a Safestyle UK showroom – so let’s not judge. Unfortunately, we were not exactly welcomed with a warm embrace, far from it, even though we looked to be the only customers they’d had for the evening. Still, this isn’t Hugs 'R' Us. Matty went off to the counter in what looked to be heavy negotiations on price. Matty’s stern faced discussion technique coupled with an eerie silence from the kitchen had poor Broady believing he was in an episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. “I can’t hear anything, I can’t smell anything – we’re getting frozen food microwaved I’m telling you,” voicing his concern.

There's a deal to be had

Mixed starters and mains ordered, our host then took centre stage to garner the sundries order in what seemed to be a relaxed business meeting style; stood up, hands in pockets. I liked it. Taking charge in a non-aggressive manner. Some good prep also meant he’d dropped of crates of Cobra beforehand, meaning we could refresh ourselves while enjoying some delicious popa-……wait, oh dear, we had no popadoms or pickle tray offered. Poor. The starters arrived soon enough and the standard selection of lamb chops, tikka, kebab etc. was surprisingly tasty and enjoyed by all. But again this was let down by the service as no raita sauce was provided with the starters and needed to be requested.

Talk turned to what men like to do in their spare time, with reading a book or having a luxury bath in Red Dead Redemption 2 being among some options offered. If you’re yet to take the luxury soak in RD2 then please – go right ahead and come back. We understand. It was this discussion where Broady and I realised that our shared passions of gaming, sports, beer and the like would mean we’d be happy as fudge (ITV version) if we just married each other. Invites to follow. The mains arrived and a resounding ‘meh’ I think is best to describe it. It wasn't bad, with a bit ‘watery’ and not spicy enough being some of the comments aired. Big J (not tiny J) had ordered Madras strength, which usually signals the fire brigade are needed but even that was deemed too mild.

All in all a very entertaining evening with an albeit average curry. Service left somewhat to be desired but hopefully an improvement perhaps when the restaurant is a bit more lively and they have the A team out front. Matty's hard-ball negotiating seemed to do the trick on price, with the entire shebang coming in at £100, so it was worth what was paid. Gas was deemed to be mild and acceptable for most, so it seemed I took the brunt with my Garlic Chicken Tikka, as an emission from my human exhaust the next morning had me saying ‘that is disgusting’ to myself. Out loud.

Until next time.

Danny