Sylhety Balti, Kippax (April 2015)

This month's host Vincent 'Vinny Vine' Vinegrad decided to take the club to pastures new for his instalment, something which is always welcomed. Extending our reach to the far east of Leeds, members made their way to Kippax with a few donning the chauffeur cap. As kind an offer Temple's was to drive Matty and I there, he failed to inform his passengers that - thanks to 4 pints of milk leaking on to the car seats and full petrol cans in his boot - the car harboured an unbearable scent. It can only be likened to an old sock from your teenage years that wasn't used on your foot, which you've kept unwashed in some form of twisted nostalgia, but you decided you were going to set on fire in a ritualistic good bye but had a change of heart at the last. I know you're not supposed to cry over spilt milk but in this case, it was impossible not to. Anyway, windows fully down, we made it to our first pre-curry drink destination - the Old Tree Inn. Not before Temple and I spied a Fish n Chip shop for a cheeky scallop butty to keep us on until curry time. The camaraderie was clear for local patrons to see as we all sat cosy in the corner of the pub, which was a little 'spit n sawdust' it has to be said. And with Gledhill striking up a conversation with a large full leathered biker at the bar, it truly was a day where the nation's children all came together. Inevitably talk was about the General Election, and our suspicions were the Old Tree favoured UKIP, judging from the copious amount of St George's flags. Priorities were acknowledged for some members as Temple and I gave up our right to vote to ensure we were at the Curry Club in a punctual manner - perhaps showing the power of a good curry to be stronger than some political party campaigns. Politics soon turned to more familiar territory as Broady recalls knocking himself unconscious on a table in high school music class, and Vinny tells us he regularly points out to his wife, when she swoons over her historical periodic drama favourites, that they haven't washed properly for days and their genitals are likely to smell like the backseats of Temple's car.

Time to move on. A few steps down the road and we enter the White Swan, where its noticed the clientele strongly favour the tracksuit as their pub attire of choice. The darts is on the box but with the volume turned up to a Spinal Tap 11, it proved too loud for Gled, Matt and Listep who chose to 'hang back' rather than join the rest of us at our seats. Perhaps Gled wanted to stay at the bar to power through beers and shots a plenty - with tomorrows busy schedule only involving meetings with Philip Schofield, David Dickinson, Loose Women and Jeremy Kyle. Drivers for the night had complaints to make as the bar lady used Soda Water in their Shandy Bass' instead of the traditional lemonade - not a good night thus far for the taste and smelling senses. We all hoped this improved as we moved on to dine just around the corner.

Sylhety Balti, Kippax

As soon as we walk through the doors, the bustling tables and pumping music make the Sylhety Balti feel more like a 2am after party kind of Curry House, rather than somewhere you'd go to enjoy a meal - but it certainly seems very popular with the locals and so we reserve judgement as the extremely polite waiter asks us to wait in the holding area until our table is ready. Unfortunately, there are only a handful of seats so we're left studying our menus while we loiter around. With no alcohol license, it's a BYOB policy, and Vincent comes up trumps with bottles of Cobra he'd previously dropped off. Keeping ourselves amused with the menus, as the majority of dishes have stickers over them (why waste money on a reprint!), time passes by as we're kept waiting for 15-20 minutes - not great considering a table was booked in advance. Soon enough, a group of disgruntled ladies, bottles of wine in hand, stumble into the holding area muttering that they've had to leave their table so we finally can sit down. Unisex Royal Rumble avoided, Daniel Bedingfield on the speakers, it's perfect entrance music as we enter the small dining area and we begin to order. Intriguing as the Joy Kippax dish was, it went unordered, with a few members choosing the Special Saag Chicken, a couple of King Prawn Joule's (of the Nile), plus a Garlic Chilli, Saag Balti and Special Tikka Masala. 

There's a hole in my bucket...

A vast amount of Popadoms arrive and a decent pickle tray was enjoyed - with the Lime Pickle going down an absolute treat with members - TTT exclaiming it should win a medal at the Great Yorkshire Show. Someone take the Cobra away from him! Awaiting the starters, Listep came out with a superb blunder claiming Bridget Bardot was in Rocky IV - only to be corrected by Temps that it was in fact Leslie Nielsen, oh dear. Put the two together and you get the right answer - someone take the Cobra away from these boys! The Mixed Platters arrive for starters and it is soon clear that 'platter' is the wrong word to use, unless you're a member of The Borrowers - with 'plate' seemingly more appropriate. With only 6 among 10 diners, what little there was each was enjoyed well enough - even if Matty did do a 'Crazy Martin' and decide to tuck in to one solo

Awaiting the mains, those select few with glasses enjoyed refreshing their palate with water. One by one, the other tables emptied in the restaurant as we still awaited our main and soon we were left by ourselves. Anticipation was building and the mains then arrive but unfortunately received a mixed, probably leaning towards the below par, reception - although Temple reflected it was 'the worst curry he'd ever had'. A bit harsh but his opinion is his own to make. A few 'ok's' were mumbled but sadly many dishes were watery, and without much meat or prawns - or too saucy - and very hot! Every dish seemed to be more about temperature than taste, although one or two stated they enjoyed theirs so it wasn’t all bad news. Empty plates and bowls is usually a sign of satisfied diners, but I'd suggest in this case it was more down to lower content. As the dishes were cleaned away, chit chat with the waiter - who was brilliant throughout - led to our 'outing' as The Curry Club and it shows it's good to flex our curry club muscles every once in a while, as we were presented with mini desserts, instead of the usual mints. A nice touch, unless they do this for every one in which case I'm talking a load of Ed Balls.

Service with a smile

To conclude I think the Sylhety Balti can be likened to a Donner Kebab, it's great for a late night fix after a good mash-up (I can imagine), with busy atmosphere and dance music, but in the cold light of day - you wouldn’t insult your taste buds. Strangely, though our table wasn't ready for 20 minutes and we had a long wait for the mains, and we only had 3 water glasses between 10 - I still wouldn’t say it was bad service! The front of house staff were very friendly, polite and attentive throughout. Just a bit of fine tuning and that could be one of the best services around, just a shame it was let down by the food really. Coming in at £150 for 10, it is reasonable value - although it doesn’t include booze. The 'gas factor' reviews were also bad the next day - I managed to negotiate the M1 and M6 to Birmingham with the only fumes harmful to the environment coming from my arse. In a dramatic twist - host Vinny's gruelling bout of Cuban runs was transformed into a solid - proof that two negatives do make a positive. A successful biological experiment by the club, resulting from an unsuccessful curry - every cloud…….

Until next time

Cheers

Danny