Akbar's Eastgate, Leeds (March 2014)

With curry houses under scrutiny following 'Ostrich Gate' in Gildersome, March was always going to be an interesting instalment. Host Rick 'Ricardo Listep' Lister rallied the troops to meet in Belgrave Music Hall to kick-start the night, but with no clue on where we were heading to dine. Still with a few hours left to decide, the blank canvas approach didn’t deter from some prime pre-curry banter, as the instalment was combined with celebrating Vinny's birthday. Special guest Andy Graham, with his third 'for one night only' appearance, joined us - thankfully not wearing his 'Mad Men Magnet' aftershave, as we all enjoyed the rare mix of ales on offer in one of Leeds' new trendy locations. The Bisto smell (other gravy's are available) coming from the air conditioning began to overpower the group, so it was time to move on - but not before a gentle ribbing in my direction for my 'jockey' like jacket. On to The Social and IT Bar for more beers and talk moved on to the forthcoming weekend where are spouses depart to Hen Do territory, leaving the boys with a free weekend for harmless tomfoolery - perhaps getting a little carried away with planning a last ditch jaunt to Ibiza for 2 nights. "How do we explain the tan?" How do we indeed…..

Moving on towards The Pit for more drinks, Listep notices that his 1st choice for dining has shut down - Chini - and thank goodness it was, as its exterior only made Karachi look like Buckingham Palace. Now in the Pit, another new trendy joint, members bemoaned the high prices for a 'schooner' (two thirds of a pint to the Layman) and then marvelled at how large it made our hands looked.

What is with the finger? Ooh matron.

Still, spirits were still high and the banter flowed nicely. Did Stead the school lifeguard only have one arm? We'll never know. One more pre-curry beer before heading to wherever Listep can find, and we had a distinct lack of draft available in 2 bars, so it was on to the sanctuary of the Templar. By this point Listep's options had ran out as Miah's Kitchen was closing, so the reliable Akbars was our destination once again.

Akbars, Eastgate, Leeds

Welcomed at the door, we were directed upstairs to the bar as our tables were prepared. By this point phase 1 of 'few beers syndrome' had kicked in and so the auto-glass cleaner seemed like a technological marvel, up there with the Hover Board and self-drying jacket from Back To The Future 2 (which incidentally was another jibe at my jacket from the now no longer welcome guest Andy Graham). Seated at our table, the order of two poppadoms each proved too greedy for all, except for Scott's large appetite, and the order was taken. The Akber E-Balti again a popular choice, along with Lamb Paneer and Vinny playing Captain Birdseye for the evening, ordering all seafood for starter and main - risky business! The Chef's challenge was again disappointingly avoided. Boo, hiss. As Akbars don’t do sharing platters, the individual starters arrive with my personal diet plan thrown aside for 4 large, juicy and tasty lamb chops - note that mint sauce is needed here though as they carry a kick. A variety was ordered here, including Calamari, rare for a curry house and all was enjoyed thoroughly, so I don’t think you can miss when it comes to the Akbars starters.

By now phase 2 of 'few beers syndrome' had arrived, with the conversation descending to smut - to the extent where my notes are no longer clear to me, but it seems to have involved the Gamesmaster Sir Patrick Moore, Dominic Diamond, tits and coke - and I don’t mean cola.

Anyway, on to the mains, they all arrive and then we're strangely asked if we would like plates?! Having agreed to the 'optional' plates, the mains were again well received as always with Akbars, with nothing left in our bowls apart from Scott who chose to bag it up - no diggity, no doubt - those poppadoms clearly coming back to haunt him. Phase 3 of 'few beers syndrome' had well and truly kicked in at this point with (PG READER WARNING) the conversation well below acceptable public smut levels, with Vinny's 3 step guide to getting b*lls into the anus. Step 1. Drain the b*lls (masturbate into double figures within a few hours so the b*lls are virtually non-existent.) Step 2. Ensure the anus is gaping (oh dear) Step 3. Use plenty of lube. We were all too busy laughing to even ask why someone would actually want to do this in the first place, although I must admit, step 1 sounds enjoyable.

Having most likely offended everybody within ear shot, it was time to celebrate a birthday (for real this time) with a free ice cream for Vinny - look how happy he is!

Happy birthday comrade, here's hoping you get a trial of the 3 step guide with your Mrs as a present. The waiters clearly happy that we were having a good time, or perhaps didn’t understand the concept under discussion, asked for a 'speech' from the birthday boy. He delivered, but thankfully with restraint. Hot towels handed out to cleanse the obligatory 'curry finger' and we were done and ready for home. A great club it has to be said.

Gas factor levels were more of a concern this time round, although no spare beds were used and all toilet visits were post 9am - including Captain Birdseye. Until next time.

Cheers

Danny