This month's host Vincent 'Vinny Vine' Vinegrad decided to
take the club to pastures new for his instalment, something which is always
welcomed. Extending our reach to the far east of Leeds, members made their way
to Kippax with a few donning the chauffeur cap. As kind an offer Temple's was
to drive Matty and I there, he failed to inform his passengers that - thanks to
4 pints of milk leaking on to the car seats and full petrol cans in his boot -
the car harboured an unbearable scent. It can only be likened to an old sock from your teenage years that wasn't used on your foot, which you've
kept unwashed in some
form of twisted nostalgia, but you decided you were going to set on fire in a
ritualistic good bye but had a change of heart at the last. I know you're not
supposed to cry over spilt milk but in this case, it was impossible not to. Anyway, windows fully down, we made it to
our first pre-curry drink destination - the Old Tree Inn. Not before Temple and
I spied a Fish n Chip shop for a cheeky scallop butty to keep us on until curry
time. The camaraderie was clear for local patrons to see as we all sat cosy in
the corner of the pub, which was a little 'spit n sawdust' it has to be said.
And with Gledhill striking up a conversation with a large full leathered biker
at the bar, it truly was a day where the nation's children all came together.
Inevitably talk was about the General Election, and our suspicions were the Old
Tree favoured UKIP, judging from the copious amount of St George's flags.
Priorities were acknowledged for some members as Temple and I gave up our right
to vote to ensure we were at the Curry Club in a punctual manner - perhaps
showing the power of a good curry to be stronger than some political party campaigns.
Politics soon turned to more familiar territory as Broady recalls knocking
himself unconscious on a table in high school music class, and Vinny tells us he regularly
points out to his wife, when she swoons over her historical periodic drama
favourites, that they haven't washed properly for days and their genitals are
likely to smell like the backseats of Temple's car.
Time to move on. A few steps down the road and we enter the
White Swan, where its noticed the clientele strongly favour the tracksuit as
their pub attire of choice. The darts is on the box but with the volume turned
up to a Spinal Tap 11, it proved too loud for Gled, Matt and Listep who chose
to 'hang back' rather than join the rest of us at our seats. Perhaps Gled
wanted to stay at the bar to power through beers and shots a plenty - with
tomorrows busy schedule only involving meetings with Philip Schofield, David
Dickinson, Loose Women and Jeremy Kyle. Drivers for the night had complaints to
make as the bar lady used Soda Water in their Shandy Bass' instead of the
traditional lemonade - not a good night thus far for the taste and smelling
senses. We all hoped this improved as we moved
on to dine just around the corner.
Sylhety Balti, Kippax
As soon as we walk through the doors, the bustling tables
and pumping music make the Sylhety Balti feel more like a 2am after party kind
of Curry House, rather than somewhere you'd go to enjoy a meal - but it
certainly seems very popular with the locals and so we reserve judgement as the
extremely polite waiter asks us to wait in the holding area until our table is
ready. Unfortunately, there are only a handful of seats so we're left studying
our menus while we loiter around. With no alcohol license, it's a BYOB policy,
and Vincent comes up trumps with bottles of Cobra he'd previously dropped off. Keeping ourselves
amused with the menus, as
the majority of dishes have stickers over them (why waste money on a reprint!),
time passes by as we're kept waiting for 15-20 minutes - not great considering
a table was booked in advance. Soon enough, a group of disgruntled ladies,
bottles of wine in hand, stumble into the holding area muttering that they've
had to leave their table so we finally can sit down. Unisex Royal Rumble
avoided, Daniel Bedingfield on the speakers, it's perfect entrance music as we
enter the small dining
area and we begin to order. Intriguing as the Joy Kippax dish was, it went unordered, with a few
members choosing the Special Saag Chicken, a couple of King Prawn Joule's (of
the Nile), plus a Garlic Chilli, Saag Balti and Special Tikka Masala.
 |
| There's a hole in my bucket... |
A vast
amount of Popadoms arrive and a decent pickle tray was enjoyed - with the Lime
Pickle going down an absolute treat with members - TTT exclaiming it should win
a medal at the Great Yorkshire Show. Someone take the Cobra away from him!
Awaiting the starters, Listep came out with a superb blunder claiming Bridget
Bardot was in Rocky IV - only to be corrected by Temps that it was in fact
Leslie Nielsen, oh dear. Put the two together and you get the right answer -
someone take the Cobra away from these boys! The Mixed Platters arrive for
starters and it is soon clear that 'platter' is the wrong word to use, unless
you're a member of The Borrowers - with 'plate' seemingly more appropriate.
With only 6 among 10 diners, what little there was each was enjoyed well enough
- even if Matty did do a 'Crazy Martin' and decide to tuck in to one solo
Awaiting the mains,
those select few with glasses enjoyed refreshing their palate with water. One
by one, the other tables emptied in the restaurant as we still awaited our main
and soon we were left by ourselves. Anticipation was building and the mains
then arrive but unfortunately received a mixed, probably leaning towards the
below par, reception - although Temple reflected it was 'the worst curry he'd
ever had'. A bit harsh but his opinion is his own to make. A few 'ok's' were
mumbled but sadly many dishes were watery, and without much meat or prawns - or too saucy - and very hot!
Every dish seemed to be more about temperature than taste, although one or two
stated they enjoyed theirs so it wasn’t all bad news. Empty plates and bowls is
usually a sign of satisfied diners, but I'd suggest in this case it was more
down to lower content. As the dishes were cleaned away, chit chat with the waiter
- who was brilliant throughout - led to our 'outing' as The Curry Club and it
shows it's good to flex our curry club muscles every once in a while, as we
were presented with mini desserts, instead of the usual mints. A nice touch,
unless they do this for every one in which case I'm talking a load of Ed Balls.
 |
| Service with a smile |
To conclude I think the Sylhety Balti can be likened to a
Donner Kebab, it's great for a late night fix after a good mash-up (I can imagine), with busy atmosphere and dance music, but in the cold
light of day - you wouldn’t insult
your taste buds. Strangely, though our table wasn't ready for 20 minutes
and we had a long wait for the mains, and we only had 3 water glasses
between 10 - I still wouldn’t
say it was bad service! The front of house staff were very friendly, polite and
attentive throughout. Just a bit of fine tuning and that could be one of the best
services around, just a
shame it was let down by the food really. Coming in at £150 for 10, it is
reasonable value - although it doesn’t include booze. The 'gas factor' reviews
were also bad the next day - I managed to negotiate the M1 and M6 to Birmingham
with the only fumes harmful to the environment coming from my arse. In a
dramatic twist - host Vinny's gruelling bout of Cuban runs was transformed into
a solid - proof that two negatives do make a positive. A successful biological
experiment by the club, resulting from an unsuccessful curry - every cloud…….
Until next time
Cheers
Danny
