Sheesh Mahal, Kirkstall Road, Leeds (September 2015)

Don't put your money in the bank, kid. Because if I don't whip you now, I'm gonna whip you next month in Dallas. And if not then, then the month after that, in New Orleans.

- Oh yeah? What makes you so sure?

….Hey - I'm back!!!

Yes, after a brief absence from the game, the Curry Club is back as another season opens its doors. Due to his forthcoming nuptials in November, Matty B leapfrogged Gled to take the helm of the season curtain raiser. Regular readers will know Matty's club packs a competitive punch, with bowling, basketball and darts on the pre-curry menu - a baptism of fire for new club member Dockers. Welcome.

Tails wagging, excited for the new season ahead, we turn up to Hollywood Bowl on Kirkstall Lane only to find the bar closed for refurbishment and half the lanes closed for reasons unknown. Heading to the diner section, thankfully we see they have some temporary beer pumps to cater for our needs, and we're also met with the pleasant/unpleasant sight of Dave The Rave, with an impromptu FONO appearance. We sent Matty on a 'recce' to see how long the lanes would be - having not pre-booked (tut tut) and he returned with a 45-60 minute waiting time. A few disgruntled jabs came his way for poor organisation and Grimes' great idea of shooting some hoops first, while we wait, was overlooked. Don’t mess with tradition it seems. Time for another beer then. Like he's never been away, TTT rocks up late to the party and immediately kicks off when a few boys ask him to get the beers in, since he was already waiting in the queue. As he was being reimbursed, we could only conclude that his aggression was due to another perilous 2 mile taxi journey.

Scott prepares for his next roll

With the bowling booked and drinks well underway, most members were present, so concern grew over final member Vinny's absence. A text later and we discovered he had in fact forgot about it completely due to a hard day at the office. When the Rat Race interferes with the club, perhaps a career change should be considered #priorities. 15 minutes later, the lanes are ready much quicker than expected and so the bowling commenced. With Matty dressed like he'd been playing Crown Green all afternoon, he started slow, unlike Scott who had a Turkey dinner in the early exchanges. Dave FONO Tanner was hot on his heels, and Gled not too far away either with his usual measured display. New boy Dockers was shocked and impressed by the high standard - as high flying career chasing Vinny turned up at the midway point of what was easily the best bowling standard by us all since the club started. An impressive 2nd half performance from myself saw me take 3rd place with 144, and David 'Guest' in 2nd with an excellent 170. But this was not enough to tipple the brute force of Scott, who took victory and a commanding club record of 182. #leaguebowler

Balls everywhere

The group moved on to the b'ball for the second event. Jackets off, balls were thrown in some suspect netball-esq manner and the standard was lower than previous. But TTT found some form, perhaps still reeling from having to ask for 3 extra beers earlier in the evening, and his anger was taken out on the backboard, taking 1st place with a respectable 41. Failing to notice the new Star Wars machine in time for a go (next time baby!), we leave for the Cardigan Arms. Though under new management, the barmaid was the same, the décor was the same - though perhaps one or two more bulbs had gone in the tap room, and the clients were the same. A look at the watch meant Matty called off the darts, keen to get dining under our new 'earlier eating' regime. This allowed for some healthy chat amongst the group before heading left out the door to Sheesh Mahal.

Sheesh Mahal, Kirkstall Road, Leeds

Sahara Poppadoms

Regular Sheesh Mahal diners will acknowledge its traditional and authentic vibe, which is mirrored in the décor - although it seemed a little smarter than our last visit a few years ago. The layout was the same, as we sat front and centre, ready to take the drink order. The 'Pops' arrived before all of us had even sat down, which was good, but the lack of pickle tray was not. Halfway through the dry popadoms, eventually we were presented with just Raita - a disappointing start. And this was not enough to keep us going while we waited for our order to be taken, as the service was very slow indeed. Eventually, our waiter arrived ready for the order as Matty took charge of the mixed starters. Temple had an indecisive meltdown for his main, ordering chicken then changing to fish, then changing back, eventually seeking the waiters help on a recommended fish dish - to which he happily obliged. Other main orders included Chicken Karahi, a Chicken & Prawn Balti from new blood Dockers, a Fish Masala Sizzler, Keema Balti, Chicken Dopiaza and a King Prawn Balti - I wonder who that was! Still in a 'Cobra' commanding mood, Matty tried to take charge of the sundry orders but soon accepted peoples wishes were their own to make. After the waiter decided to attack Vinny with his pen before he left, discussion turned to the Rugby World Cup, which prompted a debate over the Union v League codes. Although northerners, it was generally accepted that both are enjoyable and all were looking forward to both crunch encounters with England vs. Wales at the weekend, as well as the Leeds Rhinos title decider against Huddersfield. 

Good portion

The starters arrived and with plenty to go round, all were satisfied with the variety of bhajis, pakoras, samosas and kebabs included in the mix. Another long wait ensued for the mains unfortunately, but time was passed creating a new 'Partridge' style TV show idea of a brutal late night Heartbeat, with murder and rape cases to solve rather than a missing stamp or unruly sheep. A few more grumbles on the long wait and the mains eventually arrive, and Matty commanded some more by claiming Gledhill's dish as his own and began to devour it before his actually turned up. All dishes served up, we received a promise from the manager that if anyone wasn't happy with their dish, he'd sort it out - which was a nice touch. This wasn't needed though as in terms of food quality, Sheesh has really upped its game with all members commenting on how nice their food was, full of flavour and rich sauces. And with decent sized portions too, Gledhill wasn't left hungry with his half eaten dish. After a few years sabbatical from Sheesh, it's good to see it has returned to the quality of authentic curry that was enjoyed by many. If only the service had been more prompt.

Keeping it's 'old school' traditional roots, we're presented with aniseed torpedoes instead of mints with the bill, which came in at £202 for 10 diners including beverages - decent value for money. Time to hit the road, and much to our amusement, TTT and his customary short fuse, managed to talk himself out of a lift home for what we can only assume was another 2 mile journey fraught with danger. Speaking of danger, the Gas factor reports the next day from most members talked of painful, deadly flatulence that was dangerous to those emitting the gas and anyone close enough to the fallout. Not good at all. But it's good to be back!

Until next time, enjoy a slow-mo of a very smug Scott. now that's how you celebrate.

Danny

Mims Café & Grill Restaurant, Dewsbury (June 2015)

And now the end is near and so we face the final curtain. Yes, the final instalment arrived for this season but also for long standing member Listep, before making his permanent switch across the Welsh border. To mark such an occasion, the 'For one night only' specialist Andre Graham chose to join us once again as we headed out of LS postcode territory to Dewsbury. Some members were sceptical about said destination, but debut host Danny Grimes stood firm, having experienced his chosen establishments before. First up, was the Leggers Inn and on approach, our doubts looked justifiable with a very remote industrial location. A 'blink and you'll miss it' entrance into the car park, and it looked like we were pulling into a builder's yard - but alas, our eyes had been deceived as set back from the main road, the Leggers Inn opens into a lovely canal side retreat, where we could sit in the twilight sun and enjoy a peaceful pint of fine craft golden ale. Which is exactly what we did - until TTT turned up that is, instantly voicing his discontent about his rail and taxi journey to Dewsbury for tonight's instalment - "I've done the trains and automobiles, all I'm missing is the f#ckin plane!" His rage must have thrown off his bearings too as he stormed towards the Marina Office to get his pint instead of the bar - good luck with that Tony. The Yorkshire Blonde was clearly the favourable choice here, perfect for drinking in the sun as we enjoyed our latest highbrow group debate - what sum of money would you perform oral sex on a homeless man of extremely poor hygiene for? And Vinny typically embellished on an already troublesome question, adding that it must be to 'completion', no matter how long it takes. Some answers were disturbingly low, Temple's £50K being one of them, but the general consensus rested at £1 million - although stipulating that he must not have eaten garlic or asparagus within the last 24 hours. Leaving the smut behind as we got another pint in, keen to catch those last rays of the day, chat turned to Greece - with Gled saying it's still his favourite musical. Time to move on, but not before asking a local booze hound to take a poignant group picture, hopefully acting as a nice memoir for Listep to cry himself to sleep in curry-club-less Cymru. Thankfully, the shot of his hand wasn't the only one he took.

'Maybe you should have a J2O Inspector?'

It was a short drive to Dewsbury train station, to sample some of the beers in the Rail Ale Trail favourite, The West Riding. A traditional 'boozer' there's plenty of ales to choose from here and even with one side of the pub being the train station platform, it still manages to have a beer garden - which is where we decided to pitch ourselves. Thankfully, when we told Tony we'd be outside he didn’t end up on platform 1, catching a slow train to Huddersfield. And it was here where TTT impressed us all with his John Thaw knowledge, informing us that he was only in his mid-30's in the Sweeney and mid 40's in Inspector Morse. Needless to say, he must have had a hard paper round - cruising in his Jag with full white hair and double bags under the eyes. Perhaps he should have spoken to Lewis in softer tones to prolong his youth - "LEWIS, LEWIS!"

This led to chat about other great crime programmes from that era, which have now found a home on ITV4. Conclusions were drawn that Miss Marple and Jessica Fletcher were just nosey old women, who had no authority whatsoever, but yet managed to prance around police stations and interrogate whoever they liked. And in Midsomer County, with a body count that would rival Rambo III, you could probably pick up a beautiful 8 bedroom detached house with swimming pool for a cool £2k - but you run the risk of being found face down in said pool 5 days later. Murder mystery discussed, it was time to move on to the curry house to solve the case of Dewsbury's curry offerings.

Mims Café & Grill Restaurant, Dewsbury.

It's obvious to see why Mims is described as a Café & Grill, rather than a straight curry house, with it's smart wooden décor and café bar - complete with shiny pristine machines any Barista would be proud of. We're taken upstairs to our seats, as host Dan brings forth the beers he had prepared earlier due to Mims holding no alcohol license. Excellent BYOB action for a debutant. With The Best Of The Gypsy Kings playing in the background, our order was taken. Once the mixed grill sharing starters quantity was established, it was on to the mains and for the second time this season we were asked our heat preference - which is a lovely touch that I hope more restaurants pick up. Some dishes ordered included Chicken Tikka Keema, Chicken Tikka Garlic,  Fish Balti (Madras strength!), Lamb Handi, Chicken Tikka and King Prawn and an Asian Saal Massala. Some small debate was had on sundries, but plenty was ordered and the waiters brought on the pickles and poppadoms. The pickle tray was excellent it has to be said, the onion relish in particular was that good, it was beautiful enough for Scott to enjoy even without any poppadoms.

Waiting for the starters, Broady seized the opportunity to try sell his two spare tickets for the UB40 concert in Leeds, and although he was unsuccessful - it did bring forth a rendition of UB40 & Pato Banton's catchy hit 'Baby Come Back', including an excellent reggae rap from Matty at the table. Still jubilant from that, the starters arrived and the lovely mixed grill was one of the best mixed starters we've had, which included Fish - a nice addition. What wasn't nice though was the conduct of one half of the table, exploiting the waiters uneven distribution and devouring multiple portions, while the other half had to fight for what was available. The evidence was clear on host Dan's plate - showing off two lamb chop bones compared to Scott's half a bone. Poor form. It brought back memories ex-club member Crazy Martin, an expert in devouring anyone and everyone's food, and so we began to regale tales of his 'crazy' antics. One of which became a hot topic - the tale of when he was upstairs in his home, having broadband fitted downstairs. He hears a strange voice ask 'can I use your toilet?', he says 'yes' without looking who it was. A few minutes later, he finds his toilet un-flushed. Ruined. An unholy number two staring him in the face. He begins to voice his disgust with the broadband engineer who retorts by saying it wasn't him, and that some hobo had wandered in from the street needing the toilet. I was firmly in the camp that no matter what is happening in your house, a strange voice requires inspection and so a glance from the top of the stairs would have prevented such an act. Everyone else disagreed, and like Martin, they would have assumed it was the engineer. I accepted my minority status, and the subsequent heckling - although Temple's faux pas of "999 times out of a million, you wouldn't check!" diverted this for a moment. Anyway, debate over Matty began to tell another story of Crazy M, but was cut short by the waiter bringing the mains. Lovely. Matty attempted to finish his story again, only for the waiter to strike again, leaving poor Matty in a tiz. Third time was definitely a charm for the group, bringing much laughter as the waiter carrying sundries this time, struck Matty out and his story was back in the dugout for another time.

With the food on the table, the waiters had forgotten our cutlery but their pleasant manner and jovial attitude meant this didn’t really matter as they were attentive throughout the night. This great service was accompanied by some fabulous food too. The mains looked delicious and were met with a great reception from all diners. The dishes seemed optimised to the perfect heat to suit our individual tastes, well, all apart from Matty's Madras strength request, and there was plenty of meat in a beautiful flavoursome sauce of a lovely consistency. This curry even raised noises that it rivalled last month's top notch effort at AM Kitchen. It was hard to argue against.

As soon as his dish was empty, TTT was up and off abruptly again, fuelling rumours that he could be the masked vigilante known as Masala Man, prowling the streets at night gassing criminals with his hot spicy bottom emissions. But the offer of a lift home put a stop to his swift exit and so he was there to witness a curry club first, as Matty was denied the option of bagging up (no diggity). Coming in at £170, with an extra diner, the value is superb as you're getting high quality food here, and maybe a sign that LS postcode or city centre dining comes at a price.

Could we have saved the best 'til last? It's a close call, perhaps AM Kitchen has just pipped it by a nose hair in terms of quality - but for value and quality, you'd have to say Mims. Either way - this is up there with the best, no doubt, and our visit to Dewsbury was a real surprise and a worthy end to the season. Mims is certainly worth a repeat visit, one I'm sure we would all look forward to.

As for Lister, we wish you well and here is something to remember us by.

Until next season.

Cheers.

Danny

The Curry Club 2015

AM Kitchen, Leeds City Centre (May 2015)

For the month of May, debut host Tony Tanner decided the club should return to the bright lights ("and your") city lights ("all right!") of Leeds centre, with Lower Briggate's AM Kitchen on the menu. After a brief stint as the taxi drivers co-pilot, helping him to the unusual destination of the city centre, and then witnessing a man urinating at a pelican crossing (when you've got to go, you've got to go), we were more than ready for a pint!

Meeting took place in Whitelocks, the oldest public house in Leeds, dating all the way back to 1715. Up a small alley just off Briggate, Whitelocks still manages to have outside seating, where we grabbed a pew and enjoyed the fresh-ish air. And it was a nice surprise when Dave 'The Rave' Tanner, brother of this evenings host, strutted in like John Travolta, minus the paint can, for a one night only guest appearance. Due to multiple celebrations for some club members, the night kicked off with 30 minutes of handshakes - congratulations again to Listep for his wife having a naan in the clay oven, and to Gled on his engagement. I couldn’t think of any curry metaphor here other than ring of fire, which felt inappropriate.

Known for its wide range of ales, it seemed fruitless to move on without sampling as much as we could over a few rounds - although the Dogfish Head DNA ale was that bad, the barrel probably hasn’t needed changing since 1716. The Saltaire Brewery Raspberry Blonde was much more palatable, and it was enjoyed as we reminisced about the popular cult TV show Eurotrash. The oddball antics of Antoine de Caunes and Jean-Paul Gaultier were fondly remembered, but Matty's knowledge was alarmingly superior, even revealing the names of their forgotten giraffe characters Pee-Pee and Po-Po #mispentyouth.

Once Gledhill had told his heroic tale of his proposal on top of Yorkshire's Pen-y-ghent peak, negotiating high speed winds and extreme weather he likened to The Day After Tomorrow (not really Gled, it is June after all), it was time to move on to Tapped. A newish bar nestled on the corner of the Trinity complex, thankfully Tapped isn't named after any mentalist patrons, but more for the exposed look of the brass, casks and kegs on display. A hint of a 'sickie' smell at the bar wasn't the best first impression, but once we settled at the window seats we enjoyed a fine brew of Marble Pale - lovely. Unfortunately, not everyone was a happy man as they didn’t serve Matty's beloved Guinness and he went to the exit exclaiming "There's nothing in here for me". Managing to talk him into a quick cider, time had moved swiftly and once Temple had sneezed like a rabid horse with hay fever, we headed off to meet our booking at AM Kitchen.

AM Kitchen, Lower Briggate, Leeds City Centre.

The restaurant wasn't very busy, which gave us the opportunity to admire the lovely, grand décor, successfully capturing elements of the old Dyson's Clockwork Building. Instant pickle trays and poppadoms were brought by the smartly attired waiters and although the pickle trays were shallow, one between two meant there was enough to go around. Although in his 9th club, Tony didn’t realise the host paid for everyone's drinks in the restaurant - quite where he thought his drinks had come from over the past 9 months, we do not know - classic TTT! The drinks arrived and signs were showing that Listep was enjoying a drink on his penultimate club, revealing the emotional end to Game Of Thrones Season 5, without a spoiler alert for those who had already informed him they were yet to watch it. Don’t worry

readers, there are no spoilers here. AM Special Mix Grills were ordered for starters - although I have in my notes that guest Dave The Rave ordered the lasagne and chips starter but I'm chalking this up to predictive text gibberish in my note taking. Anyway, mains were ordered which included some 'off the menu' ordering by Matty and Temple, which forced a U-turn from Scott to join in on the Special Karahi order. The staff were more than happy to oblige with this, which was good of them. Some of the regular mains ordered included Chicken Balti, Chicken & Keema Karahi, Chicken Saag, Prawn Balti and a Chicken Makhani. It was a great touch to be asked with each dish for our heat preference (mild, medium, hot), showing that the kitchen would prepare food tailored to the individual customer - even Dave's lasagne. The starters arrive, and they were good - tasty and probably just enough of a portion to keep us on for the main event. And while waiting for said mains, another nostalgic debate was had on which comedy duo's various shows were better - Harry Enfield & Paul Whitehouse vs. Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer. An epic tag team bout, much like The Legion Of Doom going up against The Bushwhackers, and I think it's fair to say one that was too close to call. Either way, there was no debate once the mains had arrived, with a resounding unanimous decision  - this was a delicious curry. Beautifully presented, each dish was gorgeous to taste and with a beautiful consistency of meat and sauce. Plenty of 'best curry of the season' was heard amongst members and it's hard to disagree with food this good. The AM Kitchen is up there with the best we've ever had - certainly at the top of the tree for this season anyway. It was difficult not to 'bag it up' (no diggity) just to savour the taste for the following day, but as the empty plates and bowls were taken away - TTT's jacket was on and he was out the door, "I'm off to Call Lane lads". Aghast at the swift exit, our jeers stopped him enough to let us know the bill had been paid - thankfully. Coming in at £225, it's more than the average but well worth it for the quality of food and service, as the waiters too were always attentive and on hand, yet not noticeable when not required.

The restaurant may have been empty when we left, and other rival restaurants may well have been busier - but certainly not with more satisfied diners than the Curry Club members. On the gas factor front - I'm taking the approach of no news is good news and so a tip of the cap from the Curry Club to AM Kitchen is well deserved, proof that you get what you pay for. AM Kitchen - take a bow.

Until next time for this season's finale, hopefully not as dramatic as Game Of Thrones…..steady Listep!

Cheers

Danny

Sylhety Balti, Kippax (April 2015)

This month's host Vincent 'Vinny Vine' Vinegrad decided to take the club to pastures new for his instalment, something which is always welcomed. Extending our reach to the far east of Leeds, members made their way to Kippax with a few donning the chauffeur cap. As kind an offer Temple's was to drive Matty and I there, he failed to inform his passengers that - thanks to 4 pints of milk leaking on to the car seats and full petrol cans in his boot - the car harboured an unbearable scent. It can only be likened to an old sock from your teenage years that wasn't used on your foot, which you've kept unwashed in some form of twisted nostalgia, but you decided you were going to set on fire in a ritualistic good bye but had a change of heart at the last. I know you're not supposed to cry over spilt milk but in this case, it was impossible not to. Anyway, windows fully down, we made it to our first pre-curry drink destination - the Old Tree Inn. Not before Temple and I spied a Fish n Chip shop for a cheeky scallop butty to keep us on until curry time. The camaraderie was clear for local patrons to see as we all sat cosy in the corner of the pub, which was a little 'spit n sawdust' it has to be said. And with Gledhill striking up a conversation with a large full leathered biker at the bar, it truly was a day where the nation's children all came together. Inevitably talk was about the General Election, and our suspicions were the Old Tree favoured UKIP, judging from the copious amount of St George's flags. Priorities were acknowledged for some members as Temple and I gave up our right to vote to ensure we were at the Curry Club in a punctual manner - perhaps showing the power of a good curry to be stronger than some political party campaigns. Politics soon turned to more familiar territory as Broady recalls knocking himself unconscious on a table in high school music class, and Vinny tells us he regularly points out to his wife, when she swoons over her historical periodic drama favourites, that they haven't washed properly for days and their genitals are likely to smell like the backseats of Temple's car.

Time to move on. A few steps down the road and we enter the White Swan, where its noticed the clientele strongly favour the tracksuit as their pub attire of choice. The darts is on the box but with the volume turned up to a Spinal Tap 11, it proved too loud for Gled, Matt and Listep who chose to 'hang back' rather than join the rest of us at our seats. Perhaps Gled wanted to stay at the bar to power through beers and shots a plenty - with tomorrows busy schedule only involving meetings with Philip Schofield, David Dickinson, Loose Women and Jeremy Kyle. Drivers for the night had complaints to make as the bar lady used Soda Water in their Shandy Bass' instead of the traditional lemonade - not a good night thus far for the taste and smelling senses. We all hoped this improved as we moved on to dine just around the corner.

Sylhety Balti, Kippax

As soon as we walk through the doors, the bustling tables and pumping music make the Sylhety Balti feel more like a 2am after party kind of Curry House, rather than somewhere you'd go to enjoy a meal - but it certainly seems very popular with the locals and so we reserve judgement as the extremely polite waiter asks us to wait in the holding area until our table is ready. Unfortunately, there are only a handful of seats so we're left studying our menus while we loiter around. With no alcohol license, it's a BYOB policy, and Vincent comes up trumps with bottles of Cobra he'd previously dropped off. Keeping ourselves amused with the menus, as the majority of dishes have stickers over them (why waste money on a reprint!), time passes by as we're kept waiting for 15-20 minutes - not great considering a table was booked in advance. Soon enough, a group of disgruntled ladies, bottles of wine in hand, stumble into the holding area muttering that they've had to leave their table so we finally can sit down. Unisex Royal Rumble avoided, Daniel Bedingfield on the speakers, it's perfect entrance music as we enter the small dining area and we begin to order. Intriguing as the Joy Kippax dish was, it went unordered, with a few members choosing the Special Saag Chicken, a couple of King Prawn Joule's (of the Nile), plus a Garlic Chilli, Saag Balti and Special Tikka Masala. 

There's a hole in my bucket...

A vast amount of Popadoms arrive and a decent pickle tray was enjoyed - with the Lime Pickle going down an absolute treat with members - TTT exclaiming it should win a medal at the Great Yorkshire Show. Someone take the Cobra away from him! Awaiting the starters, Listep came out with a superb blunder claiming Bridget Bardot was in Rocky IV - only to be corrected by Temps that it was in fact Leslie Nielsen, oh dear. Put the two together and you get the right answer - someone take the Cobra away from these boys! The Mixed Platters arrive for starters and it is soon clear that 'platter' is the wrong word to use, unless you're a member of The Borrowers - with 'plate' seemingly more appropriate. With only 6 among 10 diners, what little there was each was enjoyed well enough - even if Matty did do a 'Crazy Martin' and decide to tuck in to one solo

Awaiting the mains, those select few with glasses enjoyed refreshing their palate with water. One by one, the other tables emptied in the restaurant as we still awaited our main and soon we were left by ourselves. Anticipation was building and the mains then arrive but unfortunately received a mixed, probably leaning towards the below par, reception - although Temple reflected it was 'the worst curry he'd ever had'. A bit harsh but his opinion is his own to make. A few 'ok's' were mumbled but sadly many dishes were watery, and without much meat or prawns - or too saucy - and very hot! Every dish seemed to be more about temperature than taste, although one or two stated they enjoyed theirs so it wasn’t all bad news. Empty plates and bowls is usually a sign of satisfied diners, but I'd suggest in this case it was more down to lower content. As the dishes were cleaned away, chit chat with the waiter - who was brilliant throughout - led to our 'outing' as The Curry Club and it shows it's good to flex our curry club muscles every once in a while, as we were presented with mini desserts, instead of the usual mints. A nice touch, unless they do this for every one in which case I'm talking a load of Ed Balls.

Service with a smile

To conclude I think the Sylhety Balti can be likened to a Donner Kebab, it's great for a late night fix after a good mash-up (I can imagine), with busy atmosphere and dance music, but in the cold light of day - you wouldn’t insult your taste buds. Strangely, though our table wasn't ready for 20 minutes and we had a long wait for the mains, and we only had 3 water glasses between 10 - I still wouldn’t say it was bad service! The front of house staff were very friendly, polite and attentive throughout. Just a bit of fine tuning and that could be one of the best services around, just a shame it was let down by the food really. Coming in at £150 for 10, it is reasonable value - although it doesn’t include booze. The 'gas factor' reviews were also bad the next day - I managed to negotiate the M1 and M6 to Birmingham with the only fumes harmful to the environment coming from my arse. In a dramatic twist - host Vinny's gruelling bout of Cuban runs was transformed into a solid - proof that two negatives do make a positive. A successful biological experiment by the club, resulting from an unsuccessful curry - every cloud…….

Until next time

Cheers

Danny

Saffron Desi, Morley (March 2015)

The March Curry Club spilled into April due to busy bank holiday schedules and host Lee Temple decided to bring the curry to our boyhood hometown of Morley (apart from Scott, a foreigner to these 'ere parts). Meeting in The Picture House or 'Wethers' to its locals, the club didn't exactly get off to a flyer thanks to an extremely slow bar service. But once out of the blocks, spirits were raised with nostalgic tales from the 'borough' and we all enjoyed a nice pint in Morley's premier new surroundings. Not wanting to have another 'dry' 30 minutes, we moved swiftly on to Cucina, a nice little bar providing a continental feel to the historic market town. It was here we noticed we were a man light, with Matty absent as he didn’t want to leave the Masters golf coverage. Thankfully, his residence was a stone's throw away and he joined us promptly. After Danny Grimes informed us he'd left his relationship on a Bosman, it was time for us to leave Cucina and move on to The Queen - known for housing a few 'unsavouries', so like a midget in a urinal, we were going to have to stay on our toes. Once in there however, it was clear the only danger we were in was of busting some moves to the awesome music in our ears…."I've found a way to break through this cellophane line, because I know what's going on in my own mind - Am I living in a box, am I living in a cardboard box? Am I living in a box, am I living in a cardboard box? Am I living in a box, am I living in a cardboard box? Am I living in a box, am I living in a cardboard box?"….sorry I got carried away there. 

A case for CSI Morley

Over more classic tunes, talk turned to politics with the forthcoming election on our minds….but not for long. A walk down to new café bar Oscars brought banter back to more familiar territory  - erections and other such toilet humour. So that was election in the Queen, and erection in Oscars. Unfortunately, the owner didn’t take too kindly to our discussion and asked us to change the subject or leave. Since we were the only patrons in there, it was difficult to grasp his unnecessary attitude. After Vinny decided on quite revenge with some fine use of liquid soap as simulated semen in their toilet, it was time to exit while we still could on our own terms. Temptation was to talk about the close ejection but we knew we'd struggle to find our next topic without an Oxford's English Dictionary. On to our last stop before dining, aptly named The Last Orders, but more affectionately known as The Royal. At low, low prices - the nights pre-curry drinks came to a positive end, although Matty's shelving hadn't gone unnoticed.

Saffron Desi, Morley.

An impressive exterior, the building looms over the streets from the hilltop on which it sits. Once through the door, we wait in a holding area of sorts, with a bar thankfully, until our table is ready upstairs in the restaurant. The relaxed staff pour our drinks and we're promptly taken up to a nice, long, pleasant dining room. Poppadoms and pickles are gorged upon, as the waiter comes to take our order. A debate ensued between the waiter and host Temple over starters, with the host questioning why the waiter recommended we order 10 mixed starters for 10 diners, when the menu says they're for 2 people to share. Negotiations were short and education prevailed, 5 were ordered. More bizarre waiter antics followed, as he wanted us to order our sundries before we order our mains - throwing some into disarray - it's surprising TTT didn’t order a Chapati Balti. 

Scrambling for the dessert menu just in case, the waiter finally decided it was time for the mains - which included a Chicken Hyderadi, Saffron Handi, a Madras (whoooosh), a Lamb Korma (TTT still confused?) and a Fish Masala but not from the fishmonger. The ordering done, we were brought 2 complimentary bottles of red - clearly our reputation preceded us. The sought after Inobili may have been a Merlot, from the Venetian region of Canada but it was a nice touch nonetheless and enjoyed by most. Before the meal commenced, there was opportunity for the group to chuckle at Scott The Foreigner's misfortune of being snipered on the way to the bathroom - I can only conclude he tripped over a grain of rice. The mixed platters arrive, and although proving Temple correct that it was enough to share, the starters fell into the 'tasty enough but not mind blowing' bracket. We're very granular! A standard start really. On to the mains and on arrival, everything looked delicious (apart from TTT's Korma but when does it!) all we needed now was our rice. Unfortunately, it became clear the rice had been forgotten as the relaxed staff, began to relax in their relaxing chairs. A swift reminder saw the kitchens fired up again but we had naan and a few chapatis to help us get underway while we await the rice. And the mains were very tasty indeed - enjoyed by all  - with only one negative comment from the group, coming from Vinny stating the Fish was too salty. It's a shame the rice came towards the end of the meal, as the main was a success otherwise, and there was a little 'bagging up' from Danny O (no diggity).

A nice drop

Lollipops were provided as a replacement for mints, not for the first time since the club's establishment so it's ok with us, and those out-of-town members made a swift exit before the bill came. A bill which was a very, very reasonable £140 (even when still charging for the late rice). And with the rare opportunity for some to walk off the curry home, we parted ways but not before a brief encounter with an aggressive homosexual and his female companion. Next day's gas factor was a slow burner, but boy did it burn. I don’t want to talk about it.

A good evening all round, with some lovely curry's at a bargain price, only let down by a less than adequate service unfortunately. Until next time.

Cheers

Danny