Hasan's - Kirkstall Road, Leeds (Sept 2014)

As one of Leeds' iconic landmarks went up in flames this week, another arose from the ashes - it was the return of the Curry Club bowling extravaganza! The traditional visit to Kirkstall Road, Leeds, for Matty's instalment always instils some competition into the club, as members take to the lanes, arcade and dartboard for some pre-curry entertainment. As what seems to be the norm for all bowling alleys across the country, we hit technical difficulties in our lane before we've even started to input our names. With no resolution in sight, the kind lady takes down our names to input manually in the back office, but with her undiagnosed hearing problems the results include a Jonny, two Liam's and roughly four Danny's. Pseudonym's acquired, the bowling commences and it's a ferocious start. A few frames in and it's anyone's game….apart from TTT's, who almost hurls himself down the lane when not releasing the ball after his Wasim Akram style run up. The 'Medium Blue' ball began to favour certain bowlers as Temps, Gled, Scott and Grimes started to move away from the field with some big scores. Tight as gnat's chuff, the bowling came to a final frame showdown between Gled and Scott (the birthday boy). The pressure cooker was spiced with jive from the fellow club members as Gled bowls first and can't stand the heat, leaving Scott to finish with aplomb, striking home and taking the prize with a score of 139.

On to shoot some 'hoops' at the basketball machine in the arcade and TTT again showed no skills here - perhaps confused there was no holes in these balls for his fingers. Some interesting techniques were on display, with Gled's leaning over slam dunk against some netball double handers. In the end Danny O took home the high score in the round, with a respectable 47 baskets, only for his new club record to be eclipsed by Matty's whopping 73 on his 2nd attempt. New point guard for the Detroit Pistons? Finishing our beverages, we took to the other machines in the arcade before moving on, with Vinny and Listep taking on some 3D Zombies, some Mario Kart action for Danny, Grimes and Broady - who also wasn't too happy that his jackpot win on a bandit was paid out in tokens. It's not Vegas but curse the arcade anyway!

On to the Cardigan Arms to finish off with a pint and some darts, and Matty's introduction to the game of 'Halves' was reminiscent of a classic Saturday night game show - "If you don’t hit an odd, your score gets?......." "HALVED!" After failing to get the eastern European waitress to turn on the spot lights, the 'romantic' moody setting of the board led to some questionable scores. But the dim light also allowed for some schoolboy tomfoolery, with some fine defacing of the pub floor. What started out as a marker for the oche,

ended up as a childish masterpiece. Danny O'Victorious took the darts crown and it was finally time to move on next door for the curry at Hasan's.

Hasan's - Kirkstall Road, Leeds.

Expectations were high in the club thanks to the memories from our last visit. Seated in the window, the poppadoms were brought to us without the need for asking. Unfortunately, all were underwhelmed by the pickle tray, which only contained a solitary Raita sauce. Beers all round, the mixed starters were ordered by the host and then it was on to the mains, with the deliciously sounding Chicken Keema Aloo Balti ordered by a few. Other dishes included a Chicken Tikka Massala, a Hasan Special (all the meats, kindly explained by our waiter), Fish & Spinach Balti and a Lamb Bihari. With a little wait for the starters to arrive, conversation was flowing, pondering on how the people of Albert Square in Eastenders can afford to live in a £400k London Victorian townhouse on road sweeper, laundrette and market tradesman salaries. It did lead to an appreciation for Michelle Gayle though which was a plus. I've no idea how this led to Matty admitting he'd enjoy 'relations' with American sprinter Flo Jo, but I thought it was worthy of note merely down to the comment on some distance finger work from the former athlete.

Starters ahoy, we all enjoy a mixture of meat and fish platters, with the latter proving a tastier option out of the two but nothing ground breaking. A few visits to the toilet in between courses to see the urinal with a lid (odd) and the mains arrive, accompanied by a ginormous family naan. Large portions (ooooh) are served and presented well, and again the mains are tasty enough to trigger the fond memories of our last visit - although the 'on the bone' dishes are somewhat unusual and therefore an acquired taste. Happy diners made for some great banter, with the discussion on farting in front of girlfriends a particular highlight. Two camps were clear, one for the gentlemen who held in their gases and emptied in strategic toilet visits, and those who are happy to 'let rip' and claim the ultimate prize of reducing their spouses to tears - which Broady was already proud to have achieved. Empty dishes are always a good sign and there were plenty of those at the end of our dining experience, although we did witness some rare bagging up (no diggity) from birthday boy Scott. Perhaps he was saving room for his surprise birthday dessert, a delicious sticky toffee pudding and cream which most of us tucked into gleefully. As Matty paid the bill (a reasonable £189 for 10 diners), there was still time for the question if any members ever attempted the 'no pants dance' with their partners after a club, which was 100% negative apart from TTT who revealed he rubbed one out once (which considering its only his 2nd club meant this was our last outing - nice).

No reports on whether TTT made it two for two, but plenty of horrifying tales in the bowel department unfortunately. Members have been accused of smelling like they've had a number 2, physical abuse for ghastly emissions, five unpleasant trips to the lavatory before 9am and a recommendation to seek medical advice for internal damage. Gas factor it seems is the only thing to let down Hasan's, other than the need for a better pickle tray.

The next time I write to you I will be a married man, which will make no difference whatsoever.

Cheers

Danny

The Jungle Tandoor, Singapore (Sept 14)

I like to think that we at curry club are an erudite and refined bunch and we’d think nothing of crossing political, social and cultural divides to bring you our take on curries sampled from lands afar. And it was with this ethos firmly embedded in our hearts and minds that a break-away faction of the club headed East, far-East, in search of the curried Holy Grail.

And where else better to go than India? Why Singapore of course. The highly urbanised city state island of Singapore is home to more than 5million residents and a Universal Studios theme park. Of these 5million residents, some 42% are immigrant workers. Of this 42%, a lot are Indian. Imagine our surprise then to find that the Indian population of Singapore predominantly live in an area called Little India. Just like the Little London area in Leeds is home to a plethora of Cockneys and Pearly Kings and Queens eating jellied eels on red buses, singing ‘The Lambeth Walk’. I digress.

On a warm and humid Tuesday evening, we took the MRT (underground) and travelled the relatively short distance from our central Singapore base to the Little India suburb. To say it’s like Bradford on speed would be an outright lie. It isn’t. Bradford is a sh!thole. An absolute filth pit. A wretched hive of scum and villainy.

As we ascended the steps of the Little India MRT (underground) station, we were greeted by a street. It had a pavement abutting a road, which allowed motor vehicles to travel onwards to their intended destination. Pedestrians generally restricted themselves to the pavement areas where they could do the same. 

A home away from home

We took a stroll around the bustling streets and markets and came across a corner shop called ‘Leeds Mart’. I interpreted this as a sign that although my fellow curry club comrades could not be with me in person, they were with me in spirit…in the form of a mini-mart. I think my excitement at uncovering the Leeds Mart was lost on the shop’s proprietor. He rejected my requests to have a photo with him in front of his establishment as I was not willing to make a purchase from him. I took the picture anyway and made a hasty retreat with the shop owner’s dulcet Yorkshire-Singaporean tones ringing in our ears shaking his fist as we descended into the night air.

The Jungle Tandoor, Little India, Singapore.

We eventually happened upon The Jungle Tandoor. And what a fine first impression the establishment made. The exterior was adorned with a fake fibre-glass jungle scene, complete with fake fibre-glass trees, vines and stalking tiger (there was no hidden dragon). We announced to the guy on the door that we would require their finest outdoor table and he promptly sat us down. We quickly came to realise the error of our ways when the daily bin collection pulled up alongside our table to empty 24 hours-worth of festering food and refuse from the nearby bin stores. Other interesting vistas from their ‘finest’ table included a view of the Woodland Ganja store. No points for guessing what was traded in this outlet.

Jungle fever

We enjoyed the obligatory poppadum’s and pickle tray, washed down with an ice cold Tiger beer each. For mains we ordered saagala mutton | ghost mutton | a side order of peanut paneer kebabs | and sundries comprising rotis and vegetable pilau rice. Although advertised as ‘medium’ the respective currys were both well spiced and each had a considerable kick. The lamb was tender and plentiful. The portions in general were also bountiful and Matty would have had a proverbial bagging-up field day with the left-overs.

Together with another pair of Tiger beers, the bill came to a not unreasonable (S)$75. And being quite the philanthropist, I’m embarrassed to say that I also left a pretty impressive and generous tip.

Once the Tiger beer had taken its toll on my bladder, I ventured inside to sample the resplendent interior, which mirrored the fibre-glass exterior ‘jungle-themed’ design. The mixed-sex WC left a little to be desired, which was missing a flush and comprised a hosepipe contraption connected to a water butt. Although tempted, I was not about to attempt to understand its workings and reluctantly left my deposit for someone else to dispose of.

With a heavy sigh, we made the short walk back to the MRT (underground) station and bound for bed reflecting on a bloody lovely feed, good service, great company and conversation.

It’s pretty remarkable how Curry Club allows us to be taken to all corners of the globe not only to sample great and different curries but also experience the hospitality, cultures and lives of our international friends and neighbours. I believe the next instalment of the Club, takes us to Kirkstall Road bowling alley. Until then…

Richard 'Rick Listep' Lister

Food – 85%

Service – 75%

Night – 90%

Gas – 15%